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Cat In Hat

The Cat In The Hat
Author: Robin Ogden

The cat in the hat is at the door
He promised not to visit us anymore
Go away cat and don't ever return
Will that cat in the hat ever learn?

He's knocking and buzzing away like a bee
Who does he thinks pays for the electricity
Mom and dad are the ones who pay
I wish that cat in the hat would just go away

He always comes when we are alone
He seems to know when mom's not at home
Never an adult to teach him some respect
Nothing to stop him from getting wrecked

Last time he drank dad's last crate of beers
He swore at the neighbours and called them all queers
He stumbled around and broke some stuff
But he didn't stop there, that wasn't enough

He proceeded to barf on the living room floor
And then he continued to barf some more
He shouted "leave me alone ya fuckin shits"
As we started to pick up the vegetable bits

That cat in the hat is here again
That cat in the hat is a terrible pain
Maybe he thinks we've forgotten the last time
The one when he drank three bottles of wine

Letting him in would be a mistake
No limits to the things that he can break
Although he always is a good laugh
I couldn't stop laughing when he started to barf

We'll let him in if he promises to be good
Be good like the cat in the hat should
Not drinking beers or guzzling wine
Then the cat in the hat should be fine

Lock up the beer and hide the gin
Now we can let the cat in the hat in
Hello cat in the hat, sorry for the delay
We were just tidying some things away

No problem my friends it's good to be here
I'm really thirsty can i have a beer ?
I've been in the sun and must not dehydrate
I feel like I could finish a crate

There's no alcohol, not even a beer
Not in this house, not around here
We have lemonade and ginger ale
But no beer, cider, draught or ale

Let me check there must be some wine
A glass or two would suit me fine
Maybe some vodka or a whiskey or two
I've heard it is actually good for you

Here is a cool drink with a curly red straw
What could you want, is there anything more ?
How about a couple of tots of brandy
This is when a hip flask comes in handy

Bah, humbug this bloody cooldrink is shit
It doesn't quench my thirst not one tiny bit
Get me a beer and make it snappy
It's a good idea to keep the cat in the hat happy

There is none have a look for your self
Aha ! what's this on the top shelf ?
Beers and gin and a few bottles of wine
Hiding this, should be considered a crime

Ah, a cold refreshing thirst quenching beer
Take away that cooldrink I don't want it near here
Got any smokes ? mine are done
While I waited outside I smoked the last one

What shall be do, he's starting to slur
I'm sure soon his vision will start to blur
Then he'll be drunk and stumbling around
Knocking expensive things onto the ground

The cat in the hat is no longer welcome in here
Not when he drinks more than one beer
He's finished a crate and two bottles of wine
No wonder he can't walk in a straight line.

He looks like he'll be able to drink a little more
Before he starts to spew on the floor
Let's go to the shop to buy some smokes
Lucy and I will buy some cokes

Alrighty then let's get going
Before the alcohol really starts flowing
Hurry hurry let's close the door
We don't want the cat in the hat in here anymore

What the fuck ? let me in you little liar
Before I set the fucking house on fire
Go away you drunken cat in the hat
You shouldn't speak to people like that

He's starting to look a little pale
Usually the cause of too much ale
There she blows, he doubles over and heaves
The multicolored yawn on a pile of leaves

He pisses himself and tries to stand
His efforts thwarted by the spinning land
Onto his head, now scratched and covered in blood
His clothes covered in puke, and dark sticky mud

He lies still and barfs some more
Some of it spills under the door
The smell so strong you can almost taste it
That cat in the hat is no good when he's wasted

After a while he gets to his knees
Staggers a bit and says let me in please
I no longer have a thirst
If that's a lie, it wouldn't be the first

He swears a little and shakes his hairy paw
Starts pounding his head against the door
Takes out his matches and shouts
I'll burn down this house you little louts

Fortunately they are all soggy and won't light
The cat in the hat is a sad sorry sight
He mumbles a little and throws them away
Before we see another multi colour spray

He's not getting in, not through this door
Never again, not anymore
The cat in the hat hangs his head and turns around
His fur all dirty from the ground

We see him slowly stumble down the street
Having great difficulty placing his feet
He's eventually gone, out of sight
Luckily he left without a fight

All the vomit puddles and piss
The cat in the hat, we will not miss
We better clean up before mom and dad get home
Or they never leave us alone

All of a sudden it starts to rain
We sigh with relief cause cleaning up is a pain
All the empty bottles get thrown in the bin
That cat in the hat polished off all the gin

Mom and dad would fix that cat in the hat
Let's hope that he never comes back.


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